a blogpost about not having written a blogpost in a while

Don't worry, this isn't really that classic genre of blog post, where I just write about not writing. I'm not apologising here, I don't owe you posts. But it's more using that as a lens on where my head's been at lately. So, why haven't I been writing?

I could say I've been busy - I have been working reasonably hard. On game-project and a new Downpour update, and getting to the pottery studio with some regularity. And some life admin stuff - like, I finally bought some picture frames for the pile of art I have been meaning to get frames for! (and now I have a pile of framed art that needs to be hung...)

And I have been thinking about blogging, I keep getting ideas for posts and then writing them down. But they're mainly the high effort kind - a big thought that I would then want to justify, provide evidence for, etc. I wrote a decent one of those - but then I did the research bit at the end and ruined it for myself by finding that it was a wonky frame on a known idea. I think there's some value in the wonk... I guess what I'm saying is that editing feels like work, and I don't have a scheduled time to do that, it doesn't rise up the priority list like things that are paid. And it doesn't count as rest, too, and I do need to make space for those.

But I think the larger problem has been - the past few weeks I've been in an especially acute run of What Should I Do With My Life. This is on a base level not too surprising - Downpour was my big Here's What I Am Doing With My Life for a while, and it came out a year ago. Since then I set myself the intermediate goal of not getting a job - which is going well so far! No PAYE job yet, and yet the spreadsheet that tells me when I run out of money keeps predicting a date safely in the future each time I update it. I've found a nice run of freelance jobs - interesting, paying enough - so far. But the current money for the game-project is ending in at the end of next month, so I would ideally be talking to people about the next thing... but what would the ideal shape of that be? What seems fun, what seems exciting, what do I care about, etc. Having more of an idea helps shape what I work towards, rather than just hoping something lands in my lap that I'm interested in. (but if you do want to send some work my way, please do get in touch)

But also, these existential questions have hit especially hard with the recent trans ruling, which has pierced my kind of detached politics brain and translated into a personal threat to my safety and happiness*. And I have the kind of instincts, which, when confronted with this kind of problem, tries to solve it. What can I do to make myself safe? Savings, strong networks of friends and family, knowledge of the situation - okay, yes, doing okay on that side of things. What can I do to make this situation improve? Well, good question. And one that hits me right in the What Should I Do With My Life.

And these are big questions to be turning over in my head. I've made some progress, I think, even if I very much don't have any definite answers. But when I come to write on here - that's what's been in my head lately. And it leads to the kind of post I feel like I need to edit and think about carefully. And the mental space and calm that gives me the ability to operate well, to have capacity for things like blogging - that's what's missing. But people say that writing helps them get their thoughts straight - so maybe I should be doing more writing, even if it doesn't make it out into public space.

[* is it good to have a detached politics brain? probably not. there's awful things happening out there and we need to fight. maybe what I am saying is that "my privilege has been burst"? i'm not convinced this is an especially helpful framing. in any case: it is normal for the stakes to differ between fighting on behalf of other people and fighting on behalf of yourself. that's just... being alive.]